A MegaMan X Christmas
by Friendly Uncle
Summary: While Sigma searches for candy canes, X hunts for the ultimate Christmas gift. What will happen when these two powers of holiday stress collide? It'll be funny, at the very least...


A/N: I don't own MegaMan X or any of the related characters. Don't sue me, or flame me for a totally uncanonical out of character fic, it's just brainless fun for the holidays (accent on brainless… ¬_¬).  
  
-December 24, 21XX  
  
The snow was falling gently all around the Maverick's fortress, dressing the bloodstained landscape for miles around in a clean layer of white. Dead trees became tall white winter spirits, hills became avenues for sleds, evergreens were decorated with nature's own tree flocking. It was a beautiful, idyllic scene, and the pair of tired old eyes that watched felt better for having seen it.  
  
Standing on a balcony near the top of his enormous castle, Sigma let out a deep sigh. He really did feel good. The snow made him feel fresh and clean again, and the blanketed stillness that accompanied it helped to ease his battered soul. It was days like this that made even the damned on Earth feel good to be alive.  
  
A number of shouts caught his attention. Leaning over the railing, he was amused to see a large number of Maverick soldiers involved in what appeared to be a snowball fight. Blizzard Buffalo seemed to be winning (natch), but the others were putting in a good account of themselves. As he watched, Vile finished rolling a snowball almost as big as himself and, waiting for Blizzard to be distracted by Bubble Crab freezing his foot to the ground with a stream of freezing cold bubbles, hammered the unfortunate bovine in the head with it. The other Mavericks cheered and chanted Vile's name as he jumped up and down on the unconscious buffalo, lapping up their praise.  
  
Sigma laughed, he couldn't help it. Anyone who said that Mavericks couldn't have fun would have been very surprised to see the killer reploids galloping about in the snow like puppies. It was the funniest thing he'd seen since the time he dressed up like Satan for Halloween and chased X across town with his pitchfork.  
  
Ahhh, those were the good old days. Feeling nostalgic, Sigma headed out of his room and went down to the castle's main hall. The enormous structure was dominated by a truly massive pine tree, which had been cut down by Crush Crawfish and hauled back to the fortress by Byte and Tunnel Rhino. It was being decorated by Storm Eagle, Morph Moth, and Blast Hornet, who were draping the mountain of green needles with lights, garlands, tinsel, and hanging ornaments shaped like dismembered human corpses. That last one made him pause. Looking around, he saw Serges apparently in charge of the operation. He looked up at Sigma with a grin as he walked over.  
  
"Ah, Sigma, there you are. So tell me, what do you think?" He waved a hand at the tree. Sigma crossed his arms and gave it a critical look.  
  
"It's very nice," he said, "but… do they have to decorate it with plastic renditions of human suffering?"  
  
"Not plastic, clay. I made them myself."  
  
Now that was several different shades of wrong. "Um… I really don't think bloodstained porcelain is right for a Christmas tree. Could we perhaps replace it with something a bit tamer? Reindeer? Or multicolored balls perhaps?"  
  
Serges rubbed his chin and looked over the tree. "They don't quite fit with the rest of the décor, do they? Hey Storm! Do we have any other ornaments?"  
  
The avian reploid turned in mid-air and gave Serges a funny look. "Neon Tiger was making a crude effigy of X's disembodied head to stick on the top," he said. Sigma developed an eye twitch.  
  
"Absolutely NOT," he said, "we will put a STAR on top of the tree, and take down the torn up humans, I'll not have a Christmas tree that looks like it houses a colony of butcher birds. Where can I find some traditional ornaments!?"  
  
"Wheel Gator and Crystal Snail were making clay models of all of us holding wreathes," hummed Blast Hornet, "but Serges called them a bunch of wusses and set them to work in the kitchens."  
  
Serges smiled innocently while Sigma glared at him. "Well that's not very nice at all. Serges, take their place, and tell them to get back to what they were doing before. Oh, and someone tell Neon Tiger that if he wants to put something on top of the tree he can fashion a star or an angel or something."  
  
"Why not you boss?" asked Morph Moth.  
  
"Tempting, but I'm not partial to having an entire tree inserted into my hind region."  
  
"Good point."  
  
The bloodied ornaments were tossed in the trash, and very soon the tree's evergreen branches were populated by an army of tiny clay Mavericks, all of them proudly sporting a ring of green holly, except for Serges, who was sitting on his with a rather amusing expression on his face.  
  
Sigma was sitting at a table watching the ornaments go up and drinking eggnog when the hall's main doors opened and a group of Mavericks swept in, Chill Penguin hoisted on their shoulders. The frozen band of frolickers headed for the warmth and food of the kitchens, cheering their icy comrade the whole way. Vile sat down beside Sigma with a contented sigh, pulling off a boot to shake snow out of it.  
  
"Have a good time?" asked Sigma, amused. "Yup!" Vile replied, sticking a straw in a mug of hot chocolate and taking a sip. "Chill Penguin won the downhill race. You should have seen him… he didn't even use a sled."  
  
Sigma laughed. Vile looked up at him sharply and whistled. "Been a while since I've heard that come out of you, boss."  
  
"I know. Odd, isn't it? I guess I'm just feeling the spirit of the season. Now Vile, I need your opinion. I think the decorations are missing something, but I can't put my finger on it. What do you think?"  
  
Vile looked around. The walls were strung with leafy garlands and green Christmas Wreathes. Artificial candles burned merrily in the wall sconces, and the forty-something foot-tall tree was extremely impressive. Sigma was right though. Something was a little off.  
  
He snapped his fingers. "I've got it, candy canes. Tinsel and tiny copies of my stunning visage are fine, but you can't have a proper tree without candy canes."  
  
Sigma hit himself in the forehead. "Of course! We completely forgot candy canes! Ehhh, I guess I'll have to go get some. Come on Vile, for a tree that size we'll need a couple boxes."  
  
He got up and took his cloak from the back of his chair, wrapping it around himself and pulling his hood over his head. Vile just stared at him. "What? Get some? Get some from where?"  
  
"From the store, of course!"  
  
"In the city!? Siggy, you take one step in that burg and the hunters'll put a hole in you! You're a big bald target to those guys!"  
  
The menacing look Sigma gave him was not in any way diminished by the shadows his hood cast over his face. The Maverick's eyes glowed a frightening shade of ice blue as he glared at the helmeted reploid sitting beside him.  
  
"First off, don't call me Siggy. Second of all, the only hunters who aren't scared of me are Zero and X, the former of which will probably be too busy standing under the mistletoe to do anything about me, the latter of which is no doubt more infected with the holiday bug than I am, and just might leave us alone if we don't kill anybody. Third of all, never call me a big bald anything ever again unless you want me to tear your arm off and feed it to you."  
  
Vile blinked. "Does that mean I don't have to go?"  
  
Sigma drew his beam scythe with a flourish, switched it on, and sliced the legs of Vile's chair out from under him. Vile fell into a heap on the ground, which Sigma prodded with his weapon.  
  
"Ow! Hey, watch it, that thing's sharp!"  
  
"Then I suggest you get a move on."  
  
"Ow! Quit it! Ow! Okay! Ow! I'm going! Ow! I'm GOING!!!"  
  
The rest of the assembled Mavericks fell about into hysterics as Sigma chased Vile out the door, cracking an imaginary whip above his head and laughing maniacally.  
  
* * *  
  
At the Headquarters of Maverick Hunter, the main building found itself possessed by a spirit rather similar to the joyful poltergeist that had manifested itself within Sigma's hallowed halls. Using their mecha to a more utilitarian purpose, X and Zero were settling a massive Douglas fir in the middle of the rec room.  
  
"Alright X, a little more to the left… no, no, your left! AAAAHHHHH!!!! Look out! IT'S GONNA FALL!!!!!"  
  
X let out an exasperated sigh as the tree stayed right where it was, swaying a little as Zero's mech danced around as though he were trying to catch something. The azure hunter took his hand off the mech's control stick long enough to rub his face. "Zero, that wasn't funny the first five times you tried it, and it's not getting better as we go on…"  
  
"Ahhhh, you just have no sense of humor."  
  
"Zero, the last shreds of my sense of humor were ripped off of my sanity's cold naked body when you chased me across town on Halloween."  
  
"I keep telling you, that wasn't me!"  
  
"Who ELSE would have gone trick-or-treating dressed like Satan!?"  
  
"My money's on Double, he always was a mean little bugger."  
  
"Yeah… speaking of which, do you have plans on Christmas Eve?"  
  
"Um… yes."  
  
"I mean, could you spare some time? When Double defected we lost a presentable Santa to take the toys we collected in the Maverick Hunter charity drive to the kids in the refugee camp."  
  
"Why can't you do that?"  
  
"Zero, half of those kids are taller than I am."  
  
"Good point, but what makes you think I could pass for Kris Cringle? Jolly I may be, but round as a bowl full of jelly I am not. I doubt those children could mistake washboard-stomached me for that fat cretin Double."  
  
X sighed. "Good point. Ah well, Alia'll find someone to do it, Lifesaver's about the right size…"  
  
"How about Signas? He's solidly built."  
  
"Can you imagine trying to get Signas to wear a red suit and a fake beard?"  
  
"… oboy."  
  
"Exactly."  
  
Off to the side of the room a number of tables had been set up with cookies and fruitcake and other holiday-styled treats. Currently partaking of them was the mech engineer Douglas, who was also trying very hard to get the Maverick Hunters' resident dispatcher off his case.  
  
"Come on Douglas, we NEED a Santa Claus to give the toys to the children," said Alia, putting on the puppy dog look that never failed to make men melt before her. "It just wouldn't be the same without a fat guy in a red suit! You know what those kids have been through, if X and I just showed up with a sack they'd be like 'Why are you taking Santa's job?' and 'Did Santa die?' or 'Did the Mavericks get him like they got my mommy and daddy?'" She broke down into tears, putting one hand against the table for support. Douglas glared at her from over his glass of milk, nonplussed.  
  
"So what, you're saying I'm fat?"  
  
Alia recovered from her crying fit remarkably quickly. "What? No! Of course not! You're… jolly." She crossed her fingers behind her back. "Besides, you… um… wear glasses! Everyone knows Santa Claus wears spectacles… um… so he can read his list! Um… and stuff."  
  
Douglas sighed. "Why can't you get someone else to do it?"  
  
Alia ticked the reasons off on her fingers. "X is too small to fit the suit, Signas just gave me his 'don't make me demote you' look, Lifesaver muttered something about how he'd rather perform eye surgery on himself, Doppler's already playing Santa for the orphanage on the other side of town, and Zero wouldn't be caught dead wearing an outfit that he had to stuff with pillows to fit into."  
  
The engineer set down his drink and turned to face Alia head on. Taking the bull by the horns, as it were. "Give my one good reason why I should do this, and if you call me jolly, I'll tell X you've changed from a size five to a six."  
  
Alia glared at him. Douglas just grinned. The dispatcher sighed and looked heavenward, as though praying for divine intervention. "I don't know, maybe the fact that you'll be a vital and integral part in the childhood of a human being who has thus far lost every other important thing they've had?"  
  
He rubbed his chin, apparently thinking. "Will you be Mrs. Claus?"  
  
Alia dumped his milk over his head and stalked off. Douglas grinned, grabbed his cookies, and went in search of a napkin.  
  
Iris came bounding down the stairs into the rec room, arms full of beautifully wrapped gifts. Unfortunately, she misjudged the number of steps and very nearly tripped, teetering for a moment before she finally landed on her feet. However, one of her more precariously balanced packages made a spectacular dive off the top of her pile and headed with singular intent towards the floor. Alia, passing by on her way to get X to kill Douglas for coming on to her again, noticed the doomed box and dived for it.  
  
"Gotcha!"  
  
Flustered, Iris peeked over the top of her presents and smiled gratefully at her. "Oh! Thanks Alia, I think that one was fragile."  
  
"No problem," said Alia, getting to her feet and divesting Iris of some of her load. The two women carried the gifts over to the tree and set them beneath it. Iris wiped her hand across her brow. "Thank goodness! That's the last of them, ready and waiting to be handed out to the eager kiddies."  
  
Alia smiled. "That's what I love about this time of the year. Even the Mavericks are peaceful, so we get a chance to do something really worthwhile for once. I can't wait to see the looks on those kids faces!"  
  
Iris nodded happily. "Yeah, makes ya feel all warm and fuzzy inside! And of course there's the giving of gifts to your friends and loved ones… you'll never believe what I got Zero. I found a first edition Dragon Ball manga, the one where Gokou turns Super Saiya-jin on Freeza. It's his favorite! And I found it in mint condition!"  
  
Alia shook her head. "Man, that's a lot nicer than what I got X. All I could find was a watch with his name on it."  
  
Iris blinked. "But… Alia, MegaMan X is a celebrity. You can find his name on everything."  
  
"No, I mean a watch with a big stylized X on it… I think it's actually supposed to be the Roman numeral ten. It looked nice, and X's watch hasn't worked since he fell through the ice at the skating rink last week."  
  
Iris nodded, frowning. "Zero was the one who threw him, as I recall. Has X forgiven him for that yet?"  
  
"Not that I know of. I think he's still plotting an elaborate scheme for revenge."  
  
They chuckled and sat back to watch those hunters that had the ability to fly trim the tree. Looking around at the other festivities, Alia noticed something.  
  
"Um… Iris? Did you realize you're sitting under the…"  
  
A red and blonde blur shot past her, tackling Iris to the ground with a joyful whoop. Alia's eyes doubled in size.  
  
"…mistletoe?"  
  
"I think Zero did," said X, chuckling as he walked up. Zero and Iris remained on the floor for a few minutes, then sat up, Zero grinning, Iris looking a little flushed.  
  
"Glad to see the winter chill hasn't affected your artificial hormones," said Alia with a smile as X sat down next to her. "Me too!" said Zero, making Iris blush a little more. He gave Iris another peck on the cheek. "Speaking of hormones, wait until you see what I got you for Christmas honeybun. You'll be all over me like a cheap suit!"  
  
Iris groaned. "Zero, you didn't get me a bottle of 'Musk' again did you?"  
  
"No, no, of course not. I got you 'Brut'."  
  
"Very funny." Iris stood up and grabbed Alia by the arm. "You keep dreaming horndog, I have to go make sure Douglas isn't eating everything in the kitchen. Come on Alia, if you can keep him busy for a few minutes I'll nail him from behind with a rolling pin or something."  
  
They headed off towards the kitchen, discussing whether they should subdue the gluttonous engineer with a wok or a frying pan. Zero sat down next to X, who he just realized had a rather stricken look on his face.  
  
"Hey blue boob, what's up? You look like you've just had a visit from the ghost of Christmas Past."  
  
X glowered at the crimson wonder. "Don't call me that, and you remember how I was sure I've been forgetting something this week, something really important that I have to do, but I just couldn't remember?"  
  
"…no."  
  
"Well I was, but now I realized what's wrong. I forgot to get a present for Alia!"  
  
Zero stared at him for a long moment, then fell over backwards, laughing hysterically. X glared at him. "It's not funny!"  
  
"Oh yes it is! It's hilarious! Oh man, you're never gonna get laid again X! Hahahaha!!! OW!"  
  
X ended his fellow hunter's fit of the giggles by stomping on his ponytail. Zero writhed on the ground in agony, trying to prize his golden locks out from under X's boot.  
  
"Very amusing I'm sure. Come on, I have to get her something. But it's not because it means I'll be sleeping on the couch for a month if I don't, it's because it fills my heart with joy to see her face light up on Christmas morning when she opens that package and sees all that I feel for her congealed into a single gift that expresses in ways that words cannot just how important she is to me!"  
  
"That's very sappy X. Why do I have to go?"  
  
"Because if you don't, then your ponytail is going to meet an unfortunate end."  
  
"You wouldn't dare."  
  
"Tell that to my arm cannon."  
  
"Hey now, no need for pyrotechnics! Off we go! OW! Would you GET OFF ME!? There, that's better. Now, as I said before, weeeeeeeeee're outta here!"  
  
* * *  
  
The casual observer in downtown would generally not find it remarkable to see a pair of reploids walking down the street. The casual observer did find it odd, however, that those two reploids were the widely feared Sigma and the equally infamous Vile. Fortunately, the casual observer knew that when a pair of vicious Mavericks are walking down the street, you stay the hell out of their way. Thus, Sigma and Vile continued on their way unmolested.  
  
Sigma was still feeling surly, however. True, Vile had been extremely well behaved. Even on the cramped bus trip they'd taken with all the squalling babies the purple-clad Maverick had not vented his frustrations with his shoulder-mounted cannon. That was not the problem however. During the aforementioned bus trip upwards of half a dozen children had taken one look at Sigma, grim reaper outfit and all, and run screaming to their mommies, whilst Vile fell to the floor in hysterics.  
  
Doffing his cloak had done little good either. At the sight of the fearsome scars on his face one little girl had broken down crying in the middle of the aisle. An odd, bespectacled young boy had simply sat there staring for over five minutes before his extremely nervous mother pulled him away. Sigma had been very near to taking Vile's whispered advice and killing the inhabitants of the bus before taking it on a joyride through the middle of the city when an innocent-looking young girl had walked up to him and asked if he wanted a band-aid. The sheer cuteness had left even Vile stupefied, and Sigma was forced to wipe away some tears before answering her. Her father peeing himself and dragging the confused child away while babbling in stark terror had landed Vile on the floor again, but Sigma's faith in the spirit of Christmas had been restored anew, saving a large number of lives. They were now plodding silently along towards the local drugstore, where they hoped they would be able to procure many boxes of candy canes for the Maverick Christmas party.  
  
Chuck, the clerk at Osco's rarely saw any excitement, even at this time of year. His store often went quiet for many hours on end, the silence broken only by the screaming of angry commuters outside. Thus, when his establishment suddenly became dead silent, he didn't notice. Nor did he look up when someone plunked several boxes of candy canes down on the counter, but simply rang them up.  
  
"'Kay that'll be eighteen fifty with tax."  
  
"Hmmm, all I have is a fifty, Vile do you have some change on you?"  
  
"Lesse, I think I have some cash on me somewhere… hmm, maybe I left my wallet in my other armor…?"  
  
Chuck chose that moment to look up. It came to him as a bit of a shock that towering over him was en enormous bald reploid wearing fearsome-looking battle armor and tapping a beam scythe against his shoulder while his companion, a masked reploid with an energy cannon bigger than Chuck's arm mounted on one shoulder, rifled through his pants pockets.  
  
The formerly surly young man suddenly became the most polite drugstore clerk this side of Hell's Creation. Plastering an enormous grin on his face, he quickly began placing their candy canes into plastic bags.  
  
"Ummmm wow, heh heh, I just realized you two are… um… our one millionth and one million and first customers! Congratulations! You… um… you get your candy canes free! Have a nice day! Bye bye!"  
  
They stared at him. The bigger reploid, whom he easily recognized as Sigma, public enemy number one, gave him a blank look. The helmeted reploid, whom Chuck knew to be Vile, public enemy number two, seemed to have developed a twitch in the glowing red eye that shone from beneath his helmet.  
  
"The sign out front says 'Ten Billion Served'," said Sigma, giving him a look that said rather clearly that he thought old Chuck was a complete idiot. Chuck's grin vanished into a look that quite clearly said oh dear lord I am rather screwed now aren't I?  
  
"Look," said Vile, "give us change for the fifty and we won't kill you, okay?"  
  
Chuck had never given anyone change that fast in his life, nor was he likely to again, as he intended to quit the very next day. Sigma and Vile were back outside in thirty seconds flat.  
  
"That was amusing," said Sigma, wrapping his cloak tightly around himself to ward off winter's chill. Vile nodded happily as he shouldered his half of the candy burden. "Yeah, I love striking fear in the hearts of humans! Our day is now complete, I say we head home."  
  
Sigma had no objection to that, and they walked off towards the nearest bus stop.  
  
* * *  
  
X and Zero were in the mall, mulling over the map near the front door. X was trying to decide between jewelry, perfume, or whether there was a store that sold both, while Zero tried to run off and browse the local Sam Goody. X had a death grip on his hair, however, preventing him from going anywhere.  
  
"Ooooooowww!!! Come on X, release my golden locks! I must be free, like a bird or some such nonsense. I want to see if the "Z-Box" is out yet!"  
  
"Zero, Macrosoft hasn't created a trustworthy system in over two hundred years, and it isn't likely to do any better with its most recent attempt. Now then, I need ideas, whatever did you get Iris for Christmas? And please do not tell me it's a nude photo of yourself."  
  
"I'm not nearly that shallow X. I got her a nude statue of myself."  
  
"Good, the pigeons need something else to use as a toilet.  
  
"Ha ha." Zero began wondering whether or not it would be worth it to cut himself free. "Seriously, you can't say 'Merry Christmas' with a sex toy. Iris is a sci-fi fanatic, but she can't get any decent anime around here, so I imported the boxed set of the first season of Evangelion for her."  
  
X looked up, eyes big and round. "Ye gods. You're not as shallow as you look Zero."  
  
"At least I don't look like a midget with hypothermia."  
  
"Just for that, you get to model the lingerie I'm planning on getting Alia."  
  
"Something tells me you're closer to her size. Ow! STOP PULLING MY FRICKIN' HAIR!!!"  
  
X finally released Zero's hair (or tried to, as a fairly large clump remained in his hand) and headed off to browse, given his lack of any ideas. Zero followed a moment later, pawing at the back of his head to make sure he didn't have an enormous bald spot.  
  
"Well X, they say a diamond is a girl's best friend. Get Alia a necklace."  
  
"No, no… I'd rather get her something practical. Like… I dunno, a new set of headphones or something."  
  
"You'd probably get a more enthusiastic reaction with the lingerie."  
  
"Look, I'm not very good at this, okay!?"  
  
"Well, think of her needs man. What does she do in her off hours? Does she even have any hobbies?"  
  
X frowned for a moment, then his eyes lit up. He took off at a run, Zero following.  
  
"Woah! What's the rush!?"  
  
"I just remembered. Alia works some pretty long hours, right?"  
  
"Yeah, she's the best dispatcher we've got, she has some pretty mean shifts. So you're going to get her something to pass the time?"  
  
"She already spends her time downloading mp3.s off the internet. The problem is, if she tries to transfer them to our apartment's computer, they get scrambled because of the copyright protection software built into the mainframe computer."  
  
"And… this helps us how?"  
  
"It's simple! I'm going to get her a CD burner!"  
  
Zero clapped him on the back. "X, that may just be the best idea I've heard in a long time. Let's stop by the electronics boutique and head home, there's a pair of gals sitting under the mistletoe with our names on 'em, and we have to get to them before Douglas and Signas do."  
  
"I think I'll buy one of those big, spiky, Todd McFarlane the fiftieth toys too."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"So I can shove it up Douglas's anus, sideways."  
  
* * *  
  
Meanwhile, on the roof of the mall, Dynamo was sulking.  
  
"This sucks! An entire MegaMan X fanfic, and the author doesn't include ME!? All the ladies love me! I'm the one who'll draw the crowds!!! But who gets center stage? X, Zero, Sigma, Vile, same old, same old. I could just throw up."  
  
Colonel nodded in agreement. "Meanwhile, I have to sit here and watch that jerk Zero talk about screwing my sister. Remind me to beat the snot out of him for that."  
  
Dynamo sweat-dropped. "Didn't he already kill you?"  
  
"… didn't X kill you?"  
  
"I survived, if you'll recall."  
  
"Because you're a WUSS."  
  
"BITE ME!"  
  
General then stepped on them both, scraped them off his boot on the side of the building, and went off somewhere to do something Christmassy, like humping the Times Square tree.  
  
* * *  
  
A few minutes later found X and Zero skipping down the street towards the bus stop, X happy that he finally had his gift for Alia, and Zero happy that he was going to go home and spend some "quality time" with Iris. They were happy, idyllic, kicking up their feet, scarves trailing into the wind.  
  
Unbeknownst to them, however, Sigma and Vile were headed towards the very same corner bus stop. Vile was running for his life, having made another joke at the expense of Sigma's hairless pate, and Sigma chasing him down the sidewalk with his eye blasts, screaming curses at his second-in-command.  
  
Meanwhile, Zero had made one too many disparaging remarks about the size of X's genitalia. Enraged, the azure hunter now chased a wildly grinning Zero down the sidewalk, screaming dire insults and charging his arm cannon.  
  
Both delightful scenes came to an abrupt halt as Zero and Vile rounded the corner, and promptly ran right into each other. X and Sigma skidded to a halt, seeing each other and who had run into their respective shopping companion at almost the same time.  
  
"Zero?"  
  
"Vile?"  
  
"Sigma!?"  
  
"X!!!"  
  
Zero and Vile, meanwhile untangled themselves, got an eyeful of who they owed their headaches to, and immediately drew their weapons. At the same time, X and Sigma flourished their own instruments of destruction. Sigma brought his scythe down towards X's head, but stopped mere inches from impaling him as Zero's beam sabre came up under his groin. Meanwhile, Vile stopped Zero in his tracks by bringing his shoulder-mounted cannon right up to Zero's head, while X planted his arm cannon less than a foot away from the helmeted Maverick's stomach.  
  
There was a long silence. Nobody moved.  
  
"Well, THIS is a revolting predicament," said Zero.  
  
"Stupid hunters," muttered Vile, "we could have avoided this if you'd just stayed in your headquarters, but noooo, you have to patrol the streets or something. It's Christmas already! Take a break you pagans!"  
  
"I'm finishing my Christmas shopping!" said X, "and keep that overgrown toothpick away from my bag Siggy, I need that CD burner!"  
  
"Who cares about your stupid CD burner?" fumed Sigma, "Aim that arm cannon somewhere else! You can kill Vile, just leave my candy canes!"  
  
There was another awkward silence. Vile blinked. "You didn't really mean that, did you boss?"  
  
"Of course I do. I only brought you along to help carry the candy. You're completely expendable!"  
  
"I… I'm deeply hurt by that boss. You cut me. You cut me deep."  
  
"Would you care if I got iced?"  
  
"… well, no, not really."  
  
"See? Protect those canes with your life!"  
  
"Hold on a second." Zero looked confused. "You two aren't here to maim people and wreak havoc? This is just a simple holiday shopping trip? For candy canes!?"  
  
"What else do you think we'd be shopping for, numbnuts!? Pineapples!?"  
  
"Now now Vile, let's not be insulting. Tell you what, you don't put holes in us, we don't put holes in you. We back off, you back off, and we all get out of this in one piece."  
  
There was a moment of silent deliberation. "These idiots ARE the type to keep their word," said Vile.  
  
"You aren't," said X, "give me one reason why I shouldn't blow your lunch all over the wall."  
  
"Because if you do, I'll cut your precious CD burner in half."  
  
"Curse you Sigma! Ooooh… alright, on the count of three… one… two… three!"  
  
They leapt apart and took up battle positions several feet away, X cuddling his CD burner to his chest, Sigma and Vile protecting their candy canes behind their backs.  
  
"Alright, NOW we kill them!" said Zero, activating his arm cannon. X put a hand on his arm.  
  
"Now now Zero… if they're not causing trouble, I don't think we really need to do any shooting… especially since that may damage Alia's gift…"  
  
"So that's why he's protecting that thing with his life," said Vile, "he knows that if he doesn't please her for Christmas, she won't give him any." He and Zero promptly burst into laughter. The fluid vessels in X's forehead began to throb.  
  
"Let's just get out of here Vile," said Sigma, "today I have been mocked, stared at, run from, gaped at, and I think that dog over there just peed on my foot, but I absolutely REFUSE to lose the Christmas spirit I have developed for this year! I will have one day when I do not have to kill something! Even if I have to kill you to obtain it! And as much as that sounds like an oxymoron, it isn't, because you aren't so much a thing as you are an irritating thing that follows me around everywhere and mocks the fact that my creator, a curse upon the name of Dr. Cain, chose to build me without the benefit of hair!"  
  
He ended his tirade and stood there panting for a moment while everyone else just kind of sat there and stared at him, unsure of quite what to think. Vile began to edge away from Sigma very slowly.  
  
"Yeah, let's leave 'em alone for one day," said Zero, "we ARE on vacation after all."  
  
"Thank you Zero," said Sigma, "you have vastly improved my mood. I will in all likelihood wait longer than six months before I concoct another grandiose plan to eradicate humans from the face of the earth and get your balls in a bench vice."  
  
Zero blinked. "That was part of your other plans?"  
  
"Yes. You just never knew about it because I never got to that part until after the climactic battle with X, which always ended in his favor, and resulted in me losing yet another chance to put your balls in a bench vice."  
  
"Why don't you just put X's balls in a vice?"  
  
"An inspired idea! Thank you Zero, I owe you one."  
  
X began to edge nervously away from Zero. Rather abruptly, his beeper began to go haywire. X blinked, pressed the "receive" button, and Alia's unmistakable voice yelled at him.  
  
"X! There's a Maverick going medieval on the uptown McDonald's! Go get it!"  
  
X and Zero gave each other a look, then turned to glare at Sigma and Vile. The two Mavericks gave one another sidelong glances.  
  
"Vile, was there supposed to be an attack on the uptown McDonald's today?"  
  
"Nope. Everyone should be watching Mac's one-man production of "A Christmas Carol" right about now."  
  
X turned back to his beeper. "Alia, is the Maverick affiliated with anyone?"  
  
"Nope, the Ronald McDonald look-alike that hosts the place just went nutso. One too many kids affixing chicken McNuggets to his enormous shoes with spit, I would imagine."  
  
Everyone gave everyone else a look. X sweat-dropped. "Well what are we waiting for?" asked Zero, "let's go!"  
  
They ran off towards the McDonalds. Sigma and Vile looked at each other, shrugged, and followed.  
  
* * *  
  
The McDonald's was in shambles. The sign that had once proudly claimed that fifty trillion had been served was bent double and resting upon a crushed car that now contained the fresh corpses of a small family. Dancing merrily around the enormous bonfire that marked where the restaurant had once been was a reploid version of the food chain's spokesclown, stained liberally with blood. I will tell you my friends, a crazed, bloodstained clown dancing around a fire is a sight to behold.  
  
X's eye twitched. Zero turned to Sigma. Sigma turned to Zero. "Don't look at me, he's not MINE. Do your job, hunt him, or something."  
  
X shrugged and squeezed off a plasma shot. The Macreploid heard it coming, turned, and hopped over it. He began dancing insanely towards X, a crazed grin plastered over his face.  
  
"Welcome to MacDonald's! My name is Ronald, and I'm going to eat your brains! Brains, brains, eat your brains! I'll put 'em on a bun! A brain Mcburger! With cheese!"  
  
X freaked and hid behind Zero. Zero looked heavenward and squeezed off a few shots of his own. The Macreploid performed some impressive acrobatics, once again avoiding the plasma blasts by a country mile. He continued to chant in a singsong voice about how he was going to eat their brains, maybe add some of his special sauce. A fluid vessel in Zero's forehead began to bulge outwards to a rather unhealthy extent.  
  
Abruptly, off to the Macreploid's left, a piece of rubble was pushed over, revealing that it had hidden a small, bedraggled young girl. The Macreploid noticed her, cackled insanely, and danced towards her. The child screamed.  
  
A high-tech boomerang-like weapon suddenly whizzed through the air and caught the Macreploid in the side of the head and sent it head over heels onto a large, jagged piece of metal that had been thrust upwards out of the street. The ex-Maverick lay there and bled out, eyes still twirling madly.  
  
X and Zero both turned to stare at Sigma, who had his hands behind his back and was trying to look as innocent as possible. Vile smacked himself in the visor.  
  
"That's it, you've gone soft. Quick, step on X's foot before I tell the world that the glorious leader of the Mavericks has become a mere baby-sitter."  
  
Sigma did so, prompting a loud yelp from X. Zero fell over laughing, so X set his hair on fire. Vile patted Sigma on the arm and welcomed him back into the fold. Meanwhile, paramedics arrived and began digging dead and unconscious humans out of the rubble. X, Zero, Sigma, and Vile retreated to a nearby alley before the Mavericks were recognized and blamed for the fiasco.  
  
"Well Sigma, I don't know why you did it, but you did, and I'm grateful." X stuck out his hand. "Put 'er there."  
  
Sigma looked at X like you would gaze at a wad of gum on the bottom of your shoe. "Don't make me hurt you," he rumbled. X quickly withdrew his hand.  
  
His beeper went off again. "Good work!" said Alia, "I just wish we'd gotten the report sooner, I don't think there was much left there to save… anyhow, we have a new problem now! It's time to give the kids their toys, and we still don't have a Santa Claus! What do we do!?"  
  
X and Zero frowned at each other and stroked their chins. Then X turned and looked at Sigma, and his eyes abruptly grew wider. Zero glanced at him, looked at Sigma with a questioning glance, and an expression of dawning comprehension appeared on his face. Sigma began to look nervous.  
  
"…what are you two homos looking at?"  
  
"Sigma… you're a big fella, right?"  
  
"I'm twice your size you little moron."  
  
"And I think it's been demonstrated that you like kids."  
  
"… they're generally nicer than their full-grown counterparts. What's your point?"  
  
"I've got an idea, come with me…"  
  
* * *  
  
Alia and Iris were waiting in the computer mainframe with the enormous sack of gifts, awaiting the return of the menfolk. Despite her earlier treatment of Douglas' suggestion, Alia was indeed dressed as Mrs. Claus in a red satin, fur-trimmed dress (a bit more form-fitting than necessary, but Alia couldn't help if she filled it out, could she? :) and the traditional hat. Iris was, under protest, dressed as an elf, wearing a green skirt, red and white-striped shirt, pointy hat, and enormous shoes with upturned toes. Alia was hard-pressed not to fall over laughing every time she looked at her.  
  
Abruptly there was a loud hum as X and Zero arrived via the teleportation hatch. Alia turned to greet X (and give him a good look at her in her outfit), and found herself face-to-face with Sigma and Vile. For the first time in her life, she was completely speechless.  
  
X immediately leaped out from behind them. "Wait! Don't scream or anything, it's okay! They're not here to blow stuff up, let me explain."  
  
Zero, laden down with everyone's packages, untangled himself from Sigma's cloak and was about to add to X's reassurances when he caught sight of Iris' getup. He was not as successful as Alia in suppressing a fit of giggles.  
  
Iris pulled a comically large hammer from out of nowhere and thwacked him over the head with it. Sigma and Vile both developed sweatdrops.  
  
"Vile, we have entered a place of madness."  
  
"Ehhh, it's worth it. That's the sexiest elf I've ever seen in my life."  
  
Iris blushed. Zero developed an eye twitch. X stomped on his foot before he could try to kill Vile and held center stage long enough to explain his brilliant plan.  
  
"That's insane," said Alia.  
  
"It's kind of funny," said Iris.  
  
"I kind of like it," said Zero.  
  
"You would," growled Vile.  
  
"I'm game," said Sigma. "This is what I've been talking about all day Vile, Christmas spirit, the REAL Christmas spirit! It's not about rushing to get presents for all our friends or decorating some stupid tree, but the true giving of oneself for the betterment of others! I'll do it! But not just because I'm apparently possessed with one of Dickens' ghosts, or because it fits in with all the other Christmas clichés the author has packed into this story, but because Alia is hot enough to set fire to that outfit she's wearing!"  
  
"You so much as look at her wrong and I'll feed you your own eyeballs," growled X.  
  
"Warning received. Someone get me a fake beard."  
  
* * *  
  
The refugee camp was not a fun place. It was a large compound next to the Maverick Hunter Headquarters that housed all the people who had lost their homes to Maverick attacks. This time of year the hunters had tried to get everyone that they could out of there and back on their own feet, but there still remained a large number of people with nowhere else to go, many of them orphaned kids.  
  
Thus, X and his buddies had taken it upon themselves over the last few years to get a Santa Claus to give them all gifts. Sure, it didn't make up for watching your mother and father being eviscerated before your eyes, but it was as nice a gesture as they were capable of making. At the moment, the refugee camp's bastard children were collected in the large central meeting house, awaiting the coming of their red-garbed savior and singing their favorite Christmas Carol.  
  
"Jingle bells!  
Sigma smells!  
Vile laid and egg!  
The Maverick tower  
Burned to the ground,  
And the humans got away!"  
  
"Lovely children," grumbled Vile.  
  
"Hush," said Sigma, "they're humans, they have to take out their stress through aggression."  
  
"Look who's talking," muttered Zero.  
  
Alia opened the door to the central chamber and poked her head in to make sure everything was ready. The tree, though smaller than the monolith decorating the Hunters' headquarters, still boasted a rather impressive size, and instead of being girt with cheap, plastic, store-bought ornaments, it sported an array of crudely but carefully handmade decorations of paper, pipe cleaners, and felt, liberally decorated with glitter. At the sight of the door opening, every child in the room immediately leapt to their feet, staring at Alia with wide, eager eyes. "Is Santa here yet!?" said one small boy, voice shrill with excitement.  
  
Alia smiled and nodded, putting a finger to her lips as an indication to be silent. The children obediently quieted down, bunched together in a nervous bundle. Alia stepped through the door, mentally prepared herself for the worst, and flung the doors open wide.  
  
"Here they are Santa!"  
  
With that, a nine-foot Santa Claus strolled through the door.  
  
It was fortunate that the Hunters' old Santa outfit was rather large to begin with, and stretchy, it had covered Sigma's overlarge frame without a terribly great risk of splitting along the seams. A pair of boots and some enormous mittens had been harder to come by, fortunately a puzzled Signas had been willing to lend them his. Too bad he'd never know what they were used for, the look on his face would have been priceless. The fake beard and wispy white wig that had always been too big for Double were a little small for Sigma, but at least they obscured his bald head and enormous, furrowed chin. The only part of the fearsome maverick that wasn't in someway hidden from view were his pupil-less, ice blue eyes, but that was enough to make them all worry. Who knew how observant the little tykes were? Would the mythos of Saint Nicholas, and the huge bag of goodies slung over his shoulder, be enough to hide from the children that one of the most prolific serial killers of all time was playing the part?  
  
The children stared for a long moment, mouths agape. Alia winced. They weren't going for it, not even six year-olds could fail to realize that Santa was twice as big this year than he had been on Christmases past.  
  
But some odd, fickle holiday angel was with Sigma. He may have been four feet too tall, with biceps like basketballs, but the pillows stuffed into his belt shook like a bowl full of jelly. His eyes, normally full of winter-cold death, twinkled with merriment, and his usually sadistic sneer had been twisted into a kindly smile.  
  
He took a single stride into the room, knelt down before the tiny, squeaky young boy who had asked for him earlier, and laid his hand gently on the tyke's head.  
  
"Have you been a good boy this year?" he asked. That fist could have popped the kid's head like a blemish, but it simply rested there. His normally gruff, haughty voice was soft and gentle, flowing around the children like sweet-smelling smoke. The lad's eyes grew to twice their already impressive size, and he nodded energetically, too excited to speak.  
  
Sigma Claus threw his head back and laughed, a loud but muffled Ho Ho Ho that set even Alia at ease. He turned and gestured to the door, face split in a wide grin.  
  
"Then my elves better get in here, so they can help me give you all your presents!"  
  
The children cheered lustily as Iris hopped through the door, face lit up by a winning smile. A moment later Vile appeared beside her, assisted by a hefty shove from X and Zero. The helmeted Maverick was not as happy as Iris about the situation, as he was dressed in essentially the same outfit as she, save that he sported a pair of breech-length pants. He also had a pair of elongated ears glued to the side of his helmet to compensate for his refusal to remove his armored headgear. Worried that the kiddies would recognize the infamous helmet, they had also painted it red and green. Vile was in the process of developing a facial tick as a symptom of his admirable attempts to keep his left eye from blazing a menacing shade of red.  
  
Nonetheless, the elves cheerfully helped Santa Claus hand out the toys to the children. The kids had all told Alia what they wanted several weeks beforehand, and now they were all receiving, hopefully, their little hearts' desire. It seemed to work fine at first as the kids received their gifts and ran off happily to play, thanking Santa profusely and giving the elves each a hug. Alia, X, and Zero stood by and watched, grinning, and watching Vile very carefully. No bones were broken, however, and things went smoothly right up to the last little girl.  
  
She didn't look quite as happy as the other kids, and after a minute Vile realized why. She was the little girl Sigma had saved back at the McDonald's, and she was also the little girl who had offered him a band-aid on the bus.  
  
So that's why he saved her, he thought. The poor thing must have just been brought to the refugee camp. X recognized her too, and realized something else with a vague sinking feeling. This was one more child than they'd expected, and they didn't have any extra presents.  
  
There was a moment of awkward groping as Santa Claus turned out his sack searching for the last gift that wasn't there. All activity in the room ground to a halt as the children stopped playing with their new toys and turned to watch, eyes wide in wonder. Santa didn't have enough toys? What blasphemy was this? The little girl without a gift started to tear up, though she tried hard not to start sobbing then and there.  
  
Abruptly, Santa knelt down next to her and patted her on the shoulder. "Don't cry now," he said, "I just forgot, I have a special present for you." Everyone blinked. Santa just smiled, reached into his coat, and pulled out a boomerang.  
  
It wasn't the deadly, razor-edged weapon he'd used to slay the Ronald MacDonald reploid, but a smaller, rounded version that would generally be used for taking enemies alive, but if you removed the small magnetic anti-grav device (which Sigma did so before pulling it out) it was a perfectly serviceable toy.  
  
The little girl smiled a little and wiped her eyes as she accepted the present. Then something else flashed across her features, recognition. She looked up sharply and stared deeply into Santa's eyes while he sat there nervously, wondering what to do now.  
  
She promptly tackled him around the waist, hugging him tightly. "I love you Santa," she whispered.  
  
Even Vile teared up at that.  
  
* * *  
  
About half an hour later the hunters and Mavericks were on the roof of the hunters' headquarters, Sigma back in his hooded black robe, Vile complaining loudly about his ruined paint job.  
  
"Thanks X," Sigma was saying, "that was an extremely moving experience, I shall treasure it."  
  
X grinned. "Glad you had fun! So tell me, does this mean you're having second thoughts about wiping humans off the face of the planet?"  
  
"Not a chance, the next time I see you in battle I fully intend to sodomize you with your own arm cannon."  
  
"Only if I don't blow your head off and use it as a planter."  
  
They hugged.  
  
"Later Zero," said Vile, shaking the crimson wonder's hand. "I'll probably see you again soon, trying to kill you and whatnot. Bring along the old lady next time, we'll make a day of it. After she's done crying over your cold, dead corpse I could comfort her or something."  
  
"You touch her and I'll make you wish you'd never been built, you scum-sucking piece of excrement."  
  
"Then it's a date! Bye all!"  
  
Alia and Iris waved, and Sigma and Vile disappeared in a flash of energy.  
  
"Ah, now that was a merry Christmas," said X, grinning.  
  
"Yup," said Alia, "but you realize of course that it's not over yet, we still have to open OUR presents!"  
  
"Sounds good to me!" said Zero, putting an arm around Iris. "Onward, to the tree!"  
  
The tromped downstairs, singing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas".  
  
* * *  
  
Sigma yawned and stretched as he and Vile walked into the Maverick fortress, Vile scraping at the paint on his helmet. The Main chamber was dark except for the twinkling lights here and there. Sigma hung up his cloak and sat down in an arm chair near the fireplace, smiling.  
  
"Ahh, it's good to be home, Vile. Our little trip was fun, but right about now I'm ready to have a nice hot cup of Ovaltine and head for bed. How about you?"  
  
"I am similarly fatigued, but I don't think either of us can go to bed quite yet."  
  
"Oh? Why's that?"  
  
"We forgot the candy canes you idjit!"  
  
Sigma let his head sink into his hands and started sobbing. Vile decided to give him a minute and went to get his spare helmet. "Christmas sucks," he muttered.  
  
End  
  
Merry Christmas peoples! And a Happy New Year!  
  
"God bless us, everyone!" squealed Tiny Tim. Zero gave him a look and kicked him off the screen, then went off to find Iris. You can guess what for. 


End file.
